Afraid To Let Go
The day started shutting down; the sun was going to bed,
and my mind embraced the essence of the moment.
The beauty of seeing the night unfold touched me,
my soul releasing a tear that I'd held captive in my heart.
I went to the hospital room and sat beside my mother;
and gently held her hand.
She was dying; I couldn't deny that fact,
but it pained me to see her like that;
a mere shell of the vibrant woman I loved, my Mom.
My humanity was fighting with my selfishness.
I desperately wanted her to live;
but I knew her time had come!
Her hand squeezed mine ever so softly,
and my heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
I was drowning in a sea of tears.
Her heart was barely beating,
but I continued to hold her hand; I was afraid to let go!
My head was swimming!
I couldn't find balance, tripping over my emotions;
I was blind to all but my hurt.
To manage her pain, they placed her on a morphine drip;
and drip by drip, I felt her life force weakening.
I wanted to rip that needle out!
My conflicted heart was not ready to let her die,
but I controlled myself, held her hand, sobbing,
and watched her peacefully depart this life.
I so wanted someone to blame!
And when Death came, I blamed myself
and forgave myself simultaneously.
I looked upon her for the last time;
made my peace with God
and kissed her goodbye.
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