Autumn Atonement
Face to the sky,
Breath of the Caribbean
Woven with earthy Autumn,
Saturates the alveoli of my lungs,
Pouring raw impulses into the neurons of
My pleasure centers, so triggering a myriad of
Memories ... the demurring requiem to summer tide ...
The worries and joys of back-to-school preoccupations ...
Hours spent raking the crisp colors into sloppy pyramids, (only to
Ruin the chore with swan dives and somersaults) ... a pick-up game of
Football with the kids up the road, bones rattling with every jarring
Impact ... rekindled liaisons amidst a sea of oranges, reds,
Yellows, and browns ... sinking droughty teeth into
The juiciest of apples, born from the branch
In an algid tenth-month deluge ... the
Dreamy dance of costumed kids
Chasing the harvest moon
For a copious cache
Of candy treats.
The aroma of the air
Harkens all these thoughts
In an instant, and whisks me there
In a timeless surge of thoughts, then back
Again as quickly. Arms spread out to my sides
And hands dangling from the wrist as if on a cross ...
(A brief smile at that - crucified by self-pity - the irony is
Not lost on my odd sense of humor), eyelid-clasped face to the
Sky and perched barefoot on the rain-soaked deck, the tropical storm winds
Buffet me to-and-fro like a wooden puppet. I'm a child again, (it's not a long walk for me),
And I'm wishing THAT wish, the wish that if you concentrate hard enough,
And fill your heart full enough, and promise God sincerely enough,
That no matter WHAT you wish or desire, it WILL come
True ... you believe it with every fibre, and as long as
Your eyes are closed it might just as well have
Happened, (cuz like Schroedinger's cat,
Until something's observed to NOT
Be true, it's just as good
As the truth, right?).
But this time, instead
Of wishing for Santa Claus
To bring me that one present that
Seems outside the realm of possibility,
Or wishing for my bed to fly through the moonlit
Night sky, (electric blanket and all), or wishing for my
Family and pets to live forever, or wishing for that certain girl
To notice me at lunch or kiss me at the movies, or wishing for the
Pain behind my eye to go away, or wishing for the years to fly by so I can
Finally be called a "teenager", or wishing for the braces to be gone from my teeth
Forever, THIS time I'm wishing with all I am to be naught but the wind ...
Wishing to be dissolved into the very smallest, most insignificant
Particles possible ... wishing for the wind to sweep me up
As itself and carry me to nothingness ... wishing to
Become as much a part of the Earth as the
Earth itself ... wishing that I become
Nothing more than the aroma
In my senses, (a heavenly
Redolence born of the
Caribbean Sea.
Carried northward ...
Over the Atlantic and ashore
To mix wondrously with the crisp,
Earthy scents of Fall), as wispy and
Infinitesimal and oblivious, made only of energy
And nebulous matter, no conscious thought or care to
Tarry with ... no worries or expectations or responsibilities,
Yearning only for the sea whence it came. This wish is so pure, so
Visceral, so complete that it carries all my emotion with it, carries itself in
The water from my eyes that I squeeze out with the strength of my closed eyelids.
I am that child again, wishing with all I am, but my wish is not a childish, it
Is born of all of life's pains and losses and failures and yes, successes
Even, (for those successes are not of ME, they're of the wishes
Of others FOR me, and they are lies). But mostly they
Are born of YOU. You and all our words of the
Future, life together, music shared as
The same spirit, and the moon,
Wrapped around our skin,
Our pale moon.
The same moon that
Baptized our love before we
Even knew what to call it, that
Bathed us in it's permissions before we
were even WE, that held us always after, that
Seduced me with the warm completeness of flowing up
Into your soul, being carried on a stream of passion that carries
Us as the same thought to that place unspeakable, where we are so
Close that there is no definition of who we are separately, where we are so
Much one being that we almost feel alone, where we are so joined that we nearly
Fear loneliness, but welcome all that has brought us here, and that sacred
Place where we are brought afterward, where the joy and elation of
Having been a singular soul holds us in the most blissful comfort
We've ever known, and wraps us, now once again you
And I, in a comfort and elation and peace that
Compares with no other, that is timeless
And boundless and hopeful,
That is filled with only
Us, you and I.
Bathed in that same
Moonlight that knew us before
We knew US, that knew we would
One day be here, and reserved these very
Beams for us, to wrap our bodies and our joy and
Our love in. This wish is born of all that, mostly that,
And more ... the little things like how amazing it was that
The spaces between your fingers fit mine so perfectly, how your
Smile warmed my heart with it's every appearance, many small sunrises
Throughout the day and night, that were even more hopeful and meaningful than the
Sunrise of morning itself. How the sound of your voice whispering my name
Sent an electric chill to my heart and my dermis, how every time we
Sang together we knew without speaking what the other was
Going to do next, and anticipated those changes with a
Timing that was as one, (another river we flowed up
Together, a river of music), and how our bodies
Fit together as though god had known
Before creation that we would one
Day know the perfection of
Each other's contours.
(continued)
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