Brain Versus Heart
Thinking...this ability is my worst enemy.
Brains should totally have a ON/OFF switch.
At least for the part of your brain that makes you think.
The part that makes you remember all of the things you'd really rather forget.
The part that makes you think about what was, what could have been, what should have
been.
I was finally doing fine without you.
Finally moving on, learning to live without you.
Not just to live without you as in exist without you, but to REALLY LIVE without you.
I was finally able to smile again, to be happy again.
Granted this meant forcing myself to leave you out of my life.
I had to pretend that what we had never even happened.
It was hard to do, especially because the second time around we had so much more than the
first time.
I was falling, and falling HARD.
Biggest mistake I could ever make.
I learned my lesson the hard way...you shouldn't fall for someone who's not willing to catch
you.
And obviously you were far from willing to catch me.
I just wasn't smart enough to see that.
I was dumb...not just dumb, but outright stupid.
Why? Because I listened...not to what my brain was telling me to do, but to what my heart
was telling me to do.
Like she told me I should.
I let my guard down and listened to my heart.
Never again. NEVER. Yet another big mistake.
The worst part? You don't make it easy to forget.
It's like you're always there...even when I don't want you to be.
The second worst part? More likely than not, you will always be there.
Why? Because I can't tell anyone I don't want you around, because then they'll ask why.
The question that I can't answer.
The answer is my biggest secret, the answer I must hide because I'm not ready to deal with
any consequences it might bring.
Instead I have to pretend that everything is just peachy.
I have to plaster on a smile and act normal when deep down I'm suffering.
The pain and heartbreak is agonizing.
Like my heart is bleeding out and I am powerless to stop it.
One day, maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to feel again what I felt with you.
That is if anyone can break past the brick wall that I'm putting around my heart.
That way I'm never foolish enough to listen to it again.
I'll only be able to listen to my brain, the part of me that can make smart decisions.
The part of me that doesn't make me FEEL anything.
I'll be able to live in numbness, and numbness, like ignorance, is bliss.
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