Crushes
They call them crushes because that's how you feel after the first "No". After they say that they don't feel the same way. And all of that after your entire world was minimized to encompass them, crushed down to the size of an atom with them at the nucleus and your thoughts racing around them like wayward electrons so that even when you try to break free from their grip on your mind you still comes back down to them eventually.
Wondering what they do in their spare time, who they're with, do they know you exist, do they see you, how to best start a conversation and all the things you could talk about....
And you entertained daydreams of laughing with them, of getting to know them over a study break in between classes and over small talk, maybe getting familiar with each other as you break down the material and talked about your life plans....you worked up to the moment and overcame the nervousness to introduce yourself and let them know you were there, stuttering through the words as you went.
Your beating & trembling heart became the epicenter of an earthquake, your nerves the network of fault lines carrying the tremors throughout your body and into your larynx, shaking your sentences into broken cities as it went.
You could've been all glass and rubble. A mess.
You took the first steps and felt the calmness afterwards as the relief stopped the undulation of the ground beneath your feet, with your anxiety being replaced by feelings of triumph and elation that rushed into your body like helium to a balloon. Your ribcage was the latex, expanding and stretching to the bursting point and it just made you feel as if you could levitate above everything and disappear.
Isn't it great when things go well?
When the you make a great first impression in spite of your nerves? How they weren't as difficult to talk to as you thought and how everything just seemed to flow.
You become friends. You start talking to them more and more. Every now and then at first, but then it seems like everyday. Its kinda awkward. You get to know them slowly. The process is sometimes painstaking, but it's happening. You see them up close behind the veil of mystery and begin to learn them. You begin to see their ways, notice their flaws, the little imperfections, and they don't deter you. You think to yourself, "I could still love this person".
Something about them makes you open up. You show them more of yourself. You get comfortable. Maybe that's the first mistake.
The two of you are getting closer and you begin to imagine how great it would be for the two of you to be together. Someone to laugh with, joke with, grow with, someone to come home to who would be your comfort from the rest of the world, someone that will support you and have your back and that fantasy last right up until the moment it comes time to make that move and reveal your feelings to them.
You tell them everything. How you feel when you're around them, how you like them on a deeper level and how you think the two of you could have something special....hoping they understand, hoping they are receptive and will reciprocate as you pour your heart out.
They listen to you...have a good ear and take in everything you have to say.. And they know that this is a precarious moment with everything hanging in the balance for you and they are aware of what the words they say afterwards could do to you, so after you finish they take a moment to gather themselves, choose the words carefully, and express themselves and their feelings with simple honesty.
Bottom line is...they don't feel quite the same about you as you do about them.
They say sorry, say they don't mean to hurt feelings but leave your heart shrinking like a submarine losing air pressure in deep water, giving in to the weight of everything around it.
That's what a crush comes to feel like.
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