Cutting Free
I want to say something
to your face, to your ears
grab your carefully created structure and like an earthquake
shake you till your focus lays upon the red ball
above the echo of my words
When I tried this last, you overlooked an entire message
for just one line
don't stop there, continue on
look, learn, feel
listen entirely, it's important
important to me that you, you know
that you, you understand where I've been coming from
Listen I loved you...still do
but I give up, give up on this eternal uphill pursuit of you
Listen I love you but honestly you don't know
how much I've hated your presence, hated your face, hated your name
for every love, every affair you made me a spectator
a witness to
How could you not see all these years I chased you
came back to you
wasn't because of jealousy nor bitterness
all these years I only wanted to gain back what I lost in you
make up for lost days, know what I didn't
and in my head, no distance or force
would keep you from me
but you...at every turn you tried to dissuade me
tried to cut off my tail
cut both my wrists in assisted suicide
so I would stop in my tracks and seek aid from someone else
a distraction so I would remove my handcuffs from you
and you could roam free from my constant hazy gaze
I get it, I understand
and in our own parameters of innocence
we both believed we were on the right side of morality
we are both selfish in pursuit of our personal goals of satisfaction
yet I still need you to know all I wanted
was what I was missing out on
all I wanted was the love I was never shown
the chances I was the last one in line for
an opportunity to prove I could be a different someone
a better someone to you
but I fumble when I try to speak
try to do anything for you
You are the very source of my depression
an obsession I can't rid myself of
I always want to impress you, to be the one to give you attention
be this hero to you though I always fell second best
always kept a body's length away
made a brother in a twisted sense
and that wound cut deeper than any blade could
Have you noticed I'm never happy anymore
you weren't the cause but played a big part
of the tag team effort that ruined me
I'm the hulk on the inside
a full embodiment of rage behind a smile so fake
because I've tried to so hard to move on
as fast as you moved on from me
though I could never find those missing pieces you tore apart
so I fall to bits
and am fed to the carnivores again
Why am I telling you all of this
I want you to know this
for I've tried times of thrice to tell you completely how I feel
so I can give up and be happier
so I can give up and abandon my hope on being the happiness
you've already found in another
I will never get you back and I have to live with that
so I give up and give back the grudges I've held over you
7 years and I'm tremendously fickle on how I feel about you
so I call it quits, I say stop, I give up
now all I want is to be a better friend to you
say I love you one last time for memory
to know that I did truly
just so you know, fall asleep so I can wrap my head around
the idea I've faded from your memory
that we're only islands connected by bridges
yours made of gold while mine is under repairs
attempting to be silver
We're only islands now
but I'd rather keep you at a distance
rather keep you as a friend
than spend one more night fighting myself
over the idea to place you in a cocoon at the back of my mind
and let you slowly decay
or allow you to run loose
a butterfly within my stomach and permit you to grow fangs
and instruments of pain
to cut me open and run amuck all over me
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