From Afghanistan
We have done this many times
But it is never the same
Each time I lose a bigger piece of myself
And it hurts more
Don't think I haven't thought of stepping away from this
Just to save us from this torture of days, weeks, and months
Sometimes years of praying I come back whole
But you know I can't walk away from who I am
Even if it has the power to destroy us
By taking me suddenly and violently from you
So I make you fill God's ears nonstop
For days, weeks, and months
And sometimes years because you can't live without me
Since I need you I always carry your waterproof image
All tattered with bent edges from using its beauty as a replacement
For the ugliness of this New Democratic World I have to help build
And nourish to an independent standing while it is still immersed in brutal hate
Its a depleting task that is threatening to throw me in dark deep places
Tarnish who I am with what I will never be able talk about
And keep me up late at night trying not the think too loudly
Hoping that I won't disturb the sweet dreams you can still have
While I have to drink until I can find my dreams in the bottle
But I will always be able to tell you that most times it hurts to breathe here
Sometimes in these times I don't want to
But I still take in the bone dust-filled air
Which always seem to reek of old death and the impossibility of life
Rid myself of my all my senses and pull out memories of you
Only then do I decide I can breathe in deep
Because now I have what I need to survive
A pleasant scent of what I want...you
This is how it has to be
We have done this many times
It is never the same
I just needed you to know that each and every time
The job maybe for the sake of freedom, justice and peace
But I am always fighting to return with just a little wear and tear
Just so I can come back as whole as I can for you from Afghanistan
© Janica V. Williams
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