I Wait
How is it possible to feel so much
and be so very numb at the same time?
How am I supposed to be able to trust
When each time that I think I am safe
I am shown again how little I am worth,.
I feel small and numb. Cold and resentful.
and thunderous and indignant-
There is a tornado of emotions in my heart
and a blizzard of thoughts in my head.
My soul feels shattered, again.
I'm tired of rebuilding my heart, and stitching together
the pieces of my soul with hope.
What I thought was an everlasting
supply of hope and trust and faith
has run out
The empty fumes waft up
and remind me
of the person I used to be.
Years ago
Before the destruction of
what used to make me shine.
Resentment, anger and paranoia
cloud my once clear mind.
I am turning in circles, trying to find,
a way out of this fog of lethargy
caused by the infection in my light
The shadow of doubt in my eyes
the longing for something long gone-
tarnished. warped. disturbed.
I feel unreal-
like a cardboard character
in a badly written novel.
With a vague plot, full of heartbreak and rage.
I take all that I feel,
all i wish wasn't real-
and try and cram it into a black box-
in the corner of my heart-
the Box that casts the shadow
that lurks in my eyes-
the window to my soul-
tainted, shattered.
held together by the thin strands
of my heart
stretched to their breaking point.
I cant shove it all in.
the Shadow Box is full.
so the poison leaks into my soul.
The acid carves cracks in my heart.
I use my rage
to seal my lips-
Closed.
Instead of screaming my pain.
I shred my emotions
pulverize them into a putty
Use them
to patch the parts of my soul
not tethered to my heart.
I wait until night falls
so I can dream of what I will never have.
When night falls
you cannot see the tears
that stain my pillow case
or the wildness in my eyes.
I wait.
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