Max the Wonder Dog
An Introduction to Max
Hi, I am a Mastiff cross and my name is Magical Max. To be precise it’s actually Magical Maxi the Wonder Dog but you can call me Max. That’s not to say I possess magical powers as such but I can make myself disappear when the contents of the kitchen rubbish bag are discovered strewn about the lounge floor or a toilet roll has been stripped and shredded leaving a trail of bog roll throughout the house. I can’t pull a rabbit out of a hat but I can pull the inner sole out of a shoe. I can’t pull a shiny coin out of your ear but I can certainly pull a lame “wasn’t me” look out of my ar-se when confronted with the evidence with my paw prints all over it. I am still only young and have a lot to learn about boundaries and personal space but I do love cuddles and having my big white Buddha tummy rubbed. When I am not napping or scaring the bejesus out of the pizza delivery man or snooping on my neighbour’s business I am always on the prowl for food. Well, I am a big boy and need to be fed. Boy, do I need to be fed!
I am a rescue dog and love my new home but I confess I do not always follow the house rules as perhaps I should. But in my defence my new owners wasted no time in lopping off my fun parts forcing me to wear a plastic cone of terror around my neck for two weeks so what goes around comes around I say! However, my missing majesticles aside, I do have many fine qualities. I have beautiful big cow eyes, four milk white socks on four huge feet, warm silk velvet ears, soft floppy jowls, a giant pink shovel for a tongue, a storybook ink-spill mottled nose, a long whip-like always wagging tail and a rather large orbiting head. Now I’m not saying it’s enormous but it’s got its own gravitational pull and revolves around the sun (if the sun was a big bowl of dog chow). In Mayan times I would have been considered a god (that’s dog spelt backwards) as a close encounter with my head can trigger a lunar eclipse of the sun.
I do have some favourite things. I love my new older sister, Bonnie, but boy, what a bit-ch ha ha! That’s a dog joke, woof! I like long walks with my sis and my dad, and I like to sniff butts (especially my own). I like chasing my tail and I really enjoy throwing jocks and socks in the air and catching them. I agree it’s not a MENSA audition but I’m not exactly living with geniuses. It is fair to say I’m not the Einstein of my species. For instance, I don’t know anything about Pavlov’s dogs but his name does ring a bell, boom boom! That’s another dog joke (hello!…bells…experiments…duh!). And you bipeds are supposed to be the smart ones! But, truth is, when I hear the name Pavlov I just want pavlova! I do love food and am dogged about it (wow! I’m on fire!).
I have been described as a giant mole rat and a bin chook - a reputation richly deserved by any observable measure. If I get a whiff of food I’m over it like fleas on a dog…whoops, bad example…no fleas on me so put away those meds. I am a bit of a nose whistler (okay, a snorer) and a fart goblin and it can go nuclear after a tin of Chum 3 meats casserole so share a couch or sleep with me at your peril. Between naps I spend my days sucking and chewing bed linen, pillows, chairs, expensive belts and shoes, and am the chief plate stalker and bowl licker in my house. Well, enough about me for now. Stay tuned for more in the life and times of Magical Maxi the Wonder Dog, coming your way soon.
MAGICAL MAX’S QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in” – Bark Twain
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