My Insides Feel Damaged
My insides feel damaged,
like someone
is squeezing
them with
their fists.
Many seasons,
many reasons.
Why do I do such things?
I wish
I could answer you my dear,
give you the best me,
but I can’t seem to see
through the thick clouds
surrounding me.
I sit in the sky,
I look down and see
how much hurt
I have caused to you
and my family.
I do not pretend
it is not there,
or that I don’t care.
It is just too hard
to accept,
accept the truth,
that I am a beautiful
mess,
a puzzle
not put together,
a little girl
in a big scary world,
always feeling
stress.
I feel lost and alone,
so much pain inside,
it never resides
except in a few special moments.
Most of them with you.
Writing my words on paper
helps the pain flow
out in ink
and tears
falling
on
my
desk.
I wish
these demons
would rest
and give me
a break
from the hell,
the stress,
so I can stop
doing things that hurt
the one person
that floats
in the sky with me,
never letting
me
fall
down
to
the
ground
from the heavy weight
on my back,
wanting me
to dive
down
without a parachute,
without anything
stopping me
from hitting hard
into the earth’s dirt,
no longer soft, no longer
filled with beautiful flowers
and green grass.
It is only dark, black soil,
filled with rocks and stones.
Why do I always feel so alone?
I wish it would go away,
please let it go away.
I don’t want to leave
this earth before my time,
before I fly,
before I make more memories
with you and I.
My one true love,
the only one
I have ever loved
so deeply.
I am very sorry,
so sorry my heart aches,
that I have hurt
you again.
I wish I could stop,
I wish
so many things,
but I don’t know
if my wishes
will come true.
The one thing
I know for sure,
without a doubt
in the world,
is that I love you
with every ounce
of light in my soul.
Without you,
I would plummet
to
the
ground,
broken bones
and blood gushing
from my body
into a pool of red
on the blackness
underneath me.
I love you, that is all
I know.
I hope you can feel it
even when it is covered over
by the darkness
that always follows me
follows me
wherever I go.
|