What I'M Afraid To Say
When I write, it's as though my thoughts become the words that shift into armor as they ascend from the depths of my mind and safely enclose me. The pen, clenched in my hand acts as my sword. The paper, my shield. Through written words I can affirm, assert, even dominate. Through written words, I can express everything I am afraid to say out loud.
Spoken words bring with them vulnerability. I have not my sword or shield to defend or hide behind. Standing face to face with him I bite my lip and look to the ground with a nervous giggle. "What's on your mind?" he asks. Oh how I wish I could tell him. I shake my head and lean into his sturdy chest as he wraps his arms securely around me. My voice box declines a response yet my brain has already begun composing the next great symphonic masterpiece.
The way that piece of hair flops over your forehead in the morning, is on my mind. That little divot you get between your eyebrows when you begrudgingly realize it's time to get up. The grogginess in your eyes that search for me next to you in the morning. The deep breath you take before rolling over to kiss me, and the raspiness when you say, "good morning beautiful".
I look into your piercing grey eyes and I am lost. Lost in a day dream of waking every day to those same eyes for the rest of my life. For seeing my future, our futures together. Starting our days like this every day. Preparing your black coffee and breakfast for you as you shower. Looking on in disgust as you ruin my perfectly good eggs with your addition of ketchup and hot sauce.
Moving to the bathroom we both get ready for our days. Your compulsion to hold a conversation with me while you brush your teeth makes me laugh as I try to understand your peppermint mumble. I watch as you force in your contacts even though you prefer to just wear your glasses. I take a moment to admire the sight of you.
On your way out the door, you tell me you love me. I hesitate. There it is. That fear of vulnerability. For when I say it back the power is yours to either make me so immensely happy, or to absolutely crush me. So I smile and tell you to have a great day. To let me know when you get to work safely. It's my own coded way of saying I love you in response.
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