Worthy Or Not
When you died
you left me a broken
gift on your doorstep
words unspoken,
your letters, photos
bitter tokens
of the years before.
How you exposed
your lovely flaws
and I held in
my utter awe
of you- my fear
and shame were raw-
I wondered if you knew...
That I was unworthy
of your kindness,
at your worst
you beat my best-
a fraud, a lie,
a frumpy mess-
I couldn't let you see!
So, I shut down
and didn't call,
left you alone
to rise or fall,
and never knew
I was your "all"
(you somehow needed me?)
When I withdrew
how much I lost...
how much you cried,
how much it cost,
worlds of hurt
exploded across
our tiny universe.
And while I cracked-
you crumbled, caved,
imploded in
(too late to save)
and slipped into
an early grave-
that I can't forgive myself.
My insecurity,
foolish pride,
fear of rejection
rotting inside-
I bitterly swallow
the love denied-
poison of my heart.
An honorable death,
the "end" of me,
no longer important
there are others to see...
love to give and to receive,
worthy or not- I've been set free
to love and be myself.
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